Faking Excellence: The Art of Milking Mediocrity for all its Worth

(Note: This is a guest post by my high schooler, an excellent student. It came out of a chat with some of her high-achieving friends.)

An Informative Guide

Part I: In the classroom

In order to uphold the image of “dedicated student” in the eyes of one’s educators, it is important to maintain a certain level of pseudoattentive behavior. Always have a notebook and a writing utensil out on your desk. Try to sit towards the front of the classroom, and make eye contact when teachers are lecturing. Take notes. Ask questions when you have them. (This practice both elevates the teacher’s opinion of you and helps to further the image of you as caring.) Greet your teacher upon entrance to the classroom. Converse with him or her on the finer points of their subject that you have diligently researched (see below). Bid them farewell upon your leave. Have books and supplies with you at all times. Participate in classroom activities. Make yourself feel actively present, and your teacher will take note.

Part II: Active Procrastination

In a survey of 2 high school students, both agreed that most to all of their homework is “boring.” As a result, we can conclude that one’s homework may not always come first in their lives. So if you don’t want to do it, does that mean you should binge watch Parks and Rec on the floor of your bedroom in shame? No! Procrastinate actively. Use homework time to expand your mind in more interesting ways. Read articles that are somewhat vaguely related to classroom materials (see above). Talk to your friends about how much you would prefer to do nearly anything but said assignment. Live the life of an overworked student while only spending a fraction of your time acting like one.

Part III: Completing Work

Close your eyes. Take yourself back to the last time you put off an assignment until 11:30pm the night before it was due. Get a good, long look at this mental image of last night, and open your eyes. Sure, you know how to put off work. But do you know how to cram it? The first lesson to be learned when attempting to do three weeks of work in one night is that you never outright admit this weakness. When dating the paper, always think back to when it was originally assigned. Then, count forward to the due date. Take one third of that number. Count that many days ahead from the original assignment date. There you have it: a believable but still respectable starting date. Exceptions may apply, but this is a good rule of thumb until you are a more seasoned procrastinator. The next lesson to be learned is the art of rephrasing. Many, many teachers steal each other’s work sheets. It is in their nature. So many, many foolish students at schools without honor codes (or with flagrant disregards to them) post the exact wording of these questions onto Yahoo Answers. And many, many Good Samaritans spend their time answering these questions. Learn to rephrase the work of these kind souls and make it sound like your own. Chop up sentences. Rearrange. Use synonyms. Expand on ideas. Cut down ideas. The Best Answer on Yahoo Answers is your marble, and you are Michelangelo. Now get on it, before you switch into complete sleep deprivation mode.

Part IV: Emulating Those More Well Rested than Yourself

The ideal model of a student is one who is not only well educated, but bright eyed and bushy tailed each and every morning. Now, on days when your eyes are more shadowed than bright and your tail is a deflated balloon, what is there to do? Worry not. The first step is hydration. Cold, cold water can jerk anyone out of dreamland, as can some nice old fashioned caffeine. Another tip is to remember the saying “dress for the sleep you wished for, not the sleep you got.” Wear clothes that make you look alive. Dead zombie clothes will turn you into a dead zombie. It’s science. Smile at things so that you do not appear to be a sleepy lump. And heaven forbid you fall asleep in class.

Part V: Eloquent BS

When completing various forms of free response questions, it is important to master the art of key term dropping. Sometimes, a question or prompt will only evoke a 404. message from your brain, and in that moment, do not be afraid. Recall the overall subject matter being assessed. Bring to mind the key terms of the section (often found alongside textbook passages) and think about whether you have any recollection whatsoever of how to use them. If so, you’re in luck! Teachers do not always read all 120 essays they have to grade, (and so especially for a class that isn’t a language class) they sometimes just skim to make sure that you have captured the general essence of the subject matter. Term dropping will not hurt, especially if you can bulk it up with any other somewhat related content. The author has personal experience of herself and very close friends getting 100s on answers for simply using the phrases “Christian-based society,” “complex gender issues,” “King John,” and “high death rates” in a paragraph with hardly any other coherence. Miracles do happen, but sometimes you have to help them along.

Part VI: Tying it All Together

In our short time together, you have learned how to become a more deceptively talented student. This skill, however, can only take you so far. Without a deep commitment to maintaining your facade of greatness, it will collapse like the Berlin Wall in 1989 and your lies will become obvious. Treat your mediocrity like a channel for something greater. Believe.